If you’ve come over here because you saw my Washington Post essay, Why Schools Are Failing Our Boys, welcome! If you’re a long-time reader and haven’t seen the essay yet, go check it out.
Today, I want to share the story behind that essay.
Breaking into the Washington Post has long been a goal of mine, but when I started writing that morning, I wasn’t writing with the intention of cracking WaPo. I wasn’t even planning to write an essay. I was writing because I was frustrated, and writing is how I deal with confusing situations that keep swirling around in my head.
My youngest son (the one pictured at the top of the essay), has struggled with school ever since Kindergarten. He’s gotten into trouble for talking, for moving, for drawing poop at the back of the giraffe in Art Class. He’s smuggled black walnuts into school via the waist band of his pants, and so far this year, we’ve heard behavioral complaints from his classroom teacher and his music teacher.
Because my son is the youngest of four boys – and because I’ve been parenting and writing about boys for longer than he’s been alive – I know that his struggles had very little to do with him, and very much to do with our society and school system.
Don’t get me wrong: My son sometimes makes bad choices, both at school and at home. But most of his problems with school stem from his entirely reasonable wish to be able to move, explore and learn in ways that work for him.
My youngest son is not the first one of my boys to struggle with school. In fact, he’s now nearly the exact same age my oldest son was when we decided to pull him out of school and homeschool him. School wasn’t meeting his needs either; it was eating at him instead of nourishing him. So we pulled him out, and he spent the next 10 years following his passions. He started businesses. He spent time outside. He dove deep into US and World history and read books and experienced the real world.
That son is now 17, a junior in our public high school. He and my other sons – including the one described in the essay – all attend public school full time. I toy with the idea of pulling my youngest out; I think he’d thrive. (Whether or not we can make it work right now with our family circumstances is another story).
Even so, that would be a tiny fix. It would only help my son. I wrote my essay and shared our story because I want other parents of boys to know they’re not alone.
That’s where most of my writing begins. It’s borne out of a concern for my sons, and it extends into a desire to improve the world for all boys.
That’s why, when I finished writing my thoughts, I submitted my essay to the Washington Post. It’s why I’m thrilled it was accepted, and why I do what I do here at Building Boys.
I encourage you to look around, and I invite you to share your stories and concerns with in the comments section below.
33 Responses
this essay rings true for me and my son is only just over two years old. I can already tell the difference in his behavior and happiness at the end of the day when he has had time to run around outside with his friends and poke things with sticks and throw rocks and explore. We need another answer besides home schooling. How does home schooling work for super social kids? I can’t imagine how boys survive middle school. My husband has very distinct memories of being in a post-lunch English class in middle school and being told to sit and read 10 pages of a book and thinking “are you kidding me? I can’t do that!” And just sitting there and reading the same line over and over.
I have no insights to offer… Just those thoughts!
Hi Molly,
Your son is lucky to have such an intuitive mom! You’re absolutely right that we need answers beyond homeschooling. The good news is that a lot of educators really are working on ways to make school more interactive, real-world and kid-friendly; the bad news is that it while take time to turn around this big behemoth called school.
As to how homeschooling works for super social kids…it can. A lot of homeschool families come together to create homeschool groups, informal park meet ups, co-op classes, etc. For us, one of the social benefits of homeschool was that kids have the opportunity to socialize with people of all ages, instead of same-age peers. When my oldest was 6, he sold veggies every week in the spring and summer at our local farmer’s market; a lot of his social interaction there was with senior citizens, and he learned so much from them.
I think you’re right on when you say middle school is a challenging time for boys. In our school district, 7th grade is also when recess goes away; kids have no more recess. Not co-incidentally, one of my sons and his friends began getting in trouble during and after lunch. I have a very strong suspicion that letting these kids outside for 10 min. — to shoot hoops, to run, to whatever — would have made a big difference.
While I know I am not alone, your essay gave me a little reassurance that I really am not alone. My sweet, active, talkative 5 year old little boy started kindergarten this year and I have worried all year that with all of the restrictions on him that he is going to struggle. I have talked with his teacher, who has a kind loving soul, throughout the year and while kindergarten is still pretty relaxed she also worries about my sweet boy when he starts first grade because it is so different. The expectations are way more restricting and demanding. My son also has the disadvantage of having sensory integration disorder so I fear the odds are stacked against him. Homeschooling is an option, if he begins to struggle to the extent of soul crushing.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience, I am a new follow and will continue!
Thanks for visiting! I’m glad to hear that your son has a kind and loving teacher this year; I hope that he has many more such teachers in his future. One thing I’ve found is that A LOT of educators share these concerns and are actively working to improve things for kids. Of course, they’re restricted by resources, and it takes a whole lot of time to turn the ship of institutional education, but I’m really glad to know that a lot of smart, caring people are working on the issue.
Keep us posted. Would love to hear more about your journey with your son!
You could have written this about my son. We moved him to a small private Montessori school that does not fall under common core/PARCC and he is so much happier. We knew he’d do better, but the extent of his improvement is astonishing. I haven’t seen him this happy and relaxed ever. What the current “drill and kill” test-focused methods are doing to our kids is heartbreaking, and we had no idea how much of his “behavioral issues” we’re linked to the format of his school until he was out of a traditional public school. Montessori encourages movement, independent work, and physical activity in a way that feeds his soul. I hope you find a good solution for your son. It’s stressful for the entire family when they’re struggling in school.
Really liked your article and your writing style Jennifer. I have seen this type of behavior over the years in our own sons and have recently been saying how our education system has outlived its usefulness. Big companies and big government( which includes our public school system), don’t have the flexibility to give people in general and boys in particular what they need. I also think boys and girls use to have more defined roles. Maybe I”m a little chauvinist, but I think boys and girls do have different needs that schools don’t address, perhaps at the risk of being criticized by society of that very thing. We hear so much about equality, which people tend to equate with, “Treat everyone the same.”
Keep up the good work.
Wow, It’s like you’re writing about my son!
He’s nine, starts the woodstove, does laundry, cooks for two younger siblings and helps me out every day with household chores.
He also loves Minecraft and we’re currently on the last chapter of Little House in the Big Woods.
I had a meeting with the principal this week because his behaviour, which has actually been pretty good this year, has deteriorated since Christmas break.
I never considered what a great Pioneer child he would have been!
He’s very bright, an avid reader and could be exceptionally strong academically except that his behaviour affects his grades leaving him with mostly B’s.
We live in the woods of Northern Ontario; not only is homeschooling not an option financially but there are only a handful of families that do and they typically have religious curriculum goals that we don’t share. Being so far removed from major cities also limits alternatives such as Montessori schools.
We aim to give him a rich, full life outside of school filled with many social, recreational and educational experiences and to build his self-esteem as much as possible knowing that it takes a beating every single day he spends at school. 🙁
My son is a little freaked out (in a good way) that there’s someone so much like him in Canada. 🙂
Wow! Just wow! Your words could have come from my own lips. I am the mother of four young boys. School has absolutely squelched them. My oldest, 11 year old, used to come home from school crying. EVERY. DAY. in Kindergarten. Had I any foresight or guidance, I would have immediately pulled him out of public school and kept him home. I was drowning at the time with three littles at home. Four boys five years old and under. With a month left of Kindergarten, my five year old forgot his lunch. Running it up to school at lunchtime, I witnessed his teacher yelling/screaming at a little girl for asking a very simple question. My little boy was sitting at the lunch table with tears rolling down his face because he didn’t have anything to eat. No one noticed. He begged me to take him home. I told him “no” that “learning was fun.” I went home crying. The next day, I withdrew my son from school. We attempted to homeschool but I failed miserably. He couldn’t keep up. I was exhausted. I just figured I wasn’t cut out to homeschool. Sadly, all of my boys are in public school again. I am so torn. My second grader misses recess every day. Not because of bad behavior, but because he can’t finish his papers fast enough. His teacher lies to me and is completely disrespectful to my husband and me. I have email proof of her lies. Administration is for the teacher. Going to them has gotten me nowhere. This son begs to stay home. I am at a total loss. I wouldn’t know how to teach from home. Searching for a solution and praying for wisdom. Thank you for writing an articulate article that resonates with so many.
Sincerely, Emily
Emily,
I feel your pain. It is SO HARD when you feel and see that school is not only not helping but hurting your son, and you feel powerless to help. It’s easy to say, “homeschool” or “move him to a different school” or “work with your school,” but each of us has to work with the resources we have, and not all of us can homeschool or have access to different schools. Not all of us have responsive teachers and administrators. I’ll tell you this: You are a great parent. What happens at home is far more important than what happens at school, so simply supporting your son’s interests at home and not putting too much emphasis on what the school calls his failings will go a long way toward building up your son.
Secondly, if you want to re-explore the option of homeschooling, there’s lot of support available. I have some articles about homeschooling here on Building Boys, including a post (with a book link) about how to combine working and homeschooling. (You can find my homeschooling posts by typing “homeschool” in our search box.) I’d also be happy to point you toward additional resources, if you’d like.
Best of luck. I know this is a tough time for you and your family!
Fascinating stuff, not least because I teach at (and both my sons attend) an all-boys school, University School in Cleveland.
Unless the temperatures are sub-zero the kids are outside several times per day. When the weather really is too bad, the school has a gym and the “large muscle room” where the kids can go nuts.
This is one thing (among many) that US gets right!
Hi Sam — Thanks for your notes. I’m so glad to hear boys get plenty of outside time and opportunities for movement at your school. I’m currently working with my boys’ school to explore ways they can get more movement in, even on days when outside recess isn’t an opportunity. (I’m also hoping to get them to expand their definition of “OK weather for recess.”)
I agree with your article Why schools are failing our boys. I have 4 children 3 boys and 1 girl. My youngest is 11 and a boy. He had been home schooled until this year. He wanted to try public school. He is miserable. The happy boy he was has turned into a sad, angry child. Don’t get me wrong, he enjoys having friends, PE twice a week and recess 1 time a day. The rest of school he dislikes with a passion. Next year we have decided he will be back home with us again 🙂
Hi Dianna,
I’m sorry to hear public school hasn’t gone well for your son, and wish you all the best when he returns home to learn next year. I hope you all rediscover the joy of learning and discovery!
My boys are lucky to have lots of outside time at daycare (they went out everyday), preschool (it was on a farm and literally ALL outside, no matter the weather), and now in elementary school (they go out in most cases… we have 5 feet of snow on the ground now and they are out on most days).
With that said – I can speak from experience in high school where I have been teaching for 10 years… boys (and sometimes girls too) – so need the option of getting up, moving, taking a walk (or run), having a snack etc. Some teachers are totally intolerant of this (I find that many of those teachers have yet to become parents). Experience with kids unfortunately can’t be taught… but I can tell you, after I had kids, I changed the way I taught and certainly how I felt about kids…
Want to sit on the heater for class today? Sure.
Want to race me down the hall during the break? Absolutely.
Want to sit on the floor against the wall? Go for it.
Want to color all over the desk, and then go get a magic eraser from the cabinet at the end of class to clean it off? Knock yourself out.
🙂 keep on keepin’ on! Love your writing 🙂
KT — I wish more kids had teachers like you! Would you mind if I quoted you in a future blog post?
I have been where you are. We decided to pull our “all boy” son out of school and homeschool him. We can provide all the things you mention at home- going outside, physical labor, etc., plus a rich education. Instead of just dealing with the traditional schools at the detriment of your son, why don’t you bring him home and save his spirit?
Hi B,
Homeschooling can be a fantastic option for boys and families! We actually homeschooled for 7.5 years, until homeschooling became a contested issue in our divorce.
I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for you and your children as you heal through the divorce and try to find a schooling option that works.
I read your article in my local paper, the Union Leader. I am a 72 year old former boy and can remember when boys were slapped around for not sitting still. And that was in public schools, just read sometime about what used to go on in Catholic Schools. As bad as it may seem today for boys it doesn’t sound any where near as bad as the old days.
Nevertheless, your article was food for thought and perhaps your ideas can be taken into consideration for future improvements in our schools.
This is something most of us already know. That the lack of movement in class brings out a lot of behaviours (in my case anyway).
My questions is, as parents, what can we do about this? How do we change the school system? I do my part by letting them have plenty of outdoor time after school and weekends but if its needed and the curriculum states otherwise how do we advocate for our children and get some results and changes?
Great question, Tamara. That’s exactly what we’re going to be talking about this week on BuildingBoys. Stay tuned!
Jennifer, I enjoyed your article; which is so very true! I am the mom of five boys and one girl. Yes, they are so very different. And that is why I chose to homeschool them years ago. It’s not for everyone but I felt it was best for us.
I read the article in the Washington Post, then found my way here. Finally, finally, someone who get’s it. Thank you for sharing your story! My wife and I are so frustrated; we are worried about our 10 year old Jake and his will and spirit being crushed. We’ve talked to educators, but no-one seems to care. We got super serious about helping him discover his passion as a release…and to give him hope. We found his passion in motocross and thank God for that. We eat, live, sleep and breathe moto. I know it’s dangerous, but it’s him. He has a serious need for speed. He gets blamed for a lack of focus at school. Put him on a motorcycle, and he is completely dialed in. And he has to be focused; if not, crashes can be very serious – and he knows that. Today, the roads are frozen over and schools are closed (we live in Dallas). And if he was in school, they wouldn’t allow him outside; too cold. And guess where he has been all day? Outside. I am so very interested to see where this topic goes on your Building Boys web-site. Thanks again for sharing your story and helping parents to help their boys. JP.
Hi Jeff — Your son is lucky to have such great parents! I’m so glad he’s found a passion, and so happy you support him in his passion. How long has he been doing motocross?
Thanks for the kind words! He started learning to ride in December of 2013. In October of 2014, we moved him up in motorcycle power. He is attending motocross camp in May as we work to get him more professional instruction.
Lovely piece. Leaves me sad and angry.
Thank you so much for your article. Like many others have shared, you could have been writing about my son. I have been ready to homeschool him so many times, but…always think things will get better. I really look forward to reading more of your thoughts and ideas on this issue. It is upmost on my mind the majority of the time.
I think homeschooling is a great answer not only as a solution to the problems described in your article but also as a message to the gov. We use a charter group get $1,900. per child which we spend on art and music. My friend uses it for in home tutoring. In Florida and Texas, the gov. provides educational savings funds. parents can hire educators to come to their home and pay for extra curricular programs.Funds can go as high as $20,000. Depending on needs. My kids LOVE being at home , learning and pursuing their passions and playing with friends. By homeschooling we are casting a vote and the government will have to listen.
Thank you for this and your previous post. We have 2 boys, and I am one of 5 boys in my family.
I never felt right in school, and my grades showed that. But I found my place in art and science. I think it was the active learning that occurs in those areas. And now i’m doing a little bit of both in my career, and love coming to work.
Congratulations on being a great Mom and writer. I hope your thoughts have influenced others, as it has for me.
I too was touched by the story. I am a mother of a 6 year old boy. After experiencing much of what you describe in your article when my son entered kindergarten this past September, in January we moved him to a private, Friends’s school. He is able now to move about the classroom freely, plays outside 2 x per day – rain, snow, cold!, he is being taught in an experimental, hands on approach and play, music and art are incorporated every day! He is much happier (and so am I!). Jennifer
I feel the problem of the male crisis has “not been looked at” in terms of much differential treatment that increases as we go down the socioeconomic ladder and more time in those environments. If anyone looks in those areas, they cannot help but see how the numbers of boys problems diminish greatly as we go up the socioeconomic ladder, even higher socioeconomic areas those Males are also falling behind their female peers. As we go down the socioeconomic ladder, the numbers increase greatly. We need to also look at “much differential treatment of boys and girls beginning from infancy onward through adulthood. It is amazing to me that such differential treatment has not be looked at by the researchers. I imagine there are two reasons:
1. The belief in genetics has blinded researchers to the great social causes of learning, motivation and academics.
2.The present view of average stress sees stress as only occurring in some present situation, event, or work. We need to see how our average stress is made up many layers of past, present, future – experiences, fears, preparations for defense, needs, values of others, a host of unresolved mental work that remains with us we each carry as individuals as an average that take up real mental energy from thinking, learning, motivation to learn, and affects our mental/emotional health.
I feel our present ideas of boys regarding the belief they should be tough includes teachers, peers, and society. I feel while all of us are acclimated to layers of average stress accumulating, I feel boys have higher due to differential, more aggressive treatment from many areas; much less mental/emotional/social/verbal interaction for fear of coddling; and are given love and honor from society only when showing some achievement or status. Those boys not achieving are usually given more discipline and ridicule to make them try harder. Support is usually not used for fear of coddling and belief in genetics-succeed by greater effort.
I feel unless we begin looking at how differential treatment is creating higher average stress, removing vital mental energy; creating more activity for stress relief; higher muscle tension that hurts writing/motivation; more social/emotional distance from adults/teachers; less attentiveness; and lags in many verbal and social areas from this improper treatment, I fear we will begin to lose more boys and men from ability to compete in the information age.
Thanks for sharing such thoughtful comments, Lynn. You bring up so many good points, including the ways in which socioeconomic status affects boys (and girls) and the cumulative effects of stress. I found these lines so powerful too:
“Those boys not achieving are usually given more discipline and ridicule to make them try harder. Support is usually not used for fear of coddling and belief in genetics-succeed by greater effort.”