No one has ever asked me what it means to be a woman.
I realized this recently, after two of my brothers began debating what it means to be a man. One of my brothers wrote out his thoughts after seeing the trailer for The Mask We Live In, an upcoming documentary that focuses on the pressure boys face to “be a man.” Among other things, he wrote that a man “protects the weak.” Another brother challenged him on that one, pointing out that it’s not gender-specific.
Hmmm, I thought.
That’s when I realized that no one, ever, has asked me what it means to be a woman. And that I’d never, ever spent any time pondering what it means to be a woman.
Keep in mind that I’m an extraordinarily introspective person. If there’s an interesting thought to think about, I’ve probably turned it over and over in mind, polishing the rough surface of the thought down to a smooth, nearly gem-like shine with my ponderings. I think about gender a lot. I write about gender a lot. Even before this month, I’d written lots about what it means (and doesn’t mean) to be a man.
But I’d never thought about what it means to be a woman.
So I thought about it for a few minutes. The first things that came to my mind — about motherhood — were quickly rejected, because, after all, you can certainly be a woman without having children. So I thought about it some more. What else makes me uniquely woman? What makes me a woman?
And that’s when I realized that I’ve never thought about it because I’ve never faced any pressure to be a woman.
My status as woman, as female, has always been an innate, not-open-for-debate kind of thing. I’ve never questioned my femininity or right to be female, and neither has anyone else. It’s just who I am, in a fact-of-biology sense. Who I am, in my mind and society’s mind, has little to do with whether I’m woman or not. I’m a writer, a caring and compassionate person who connects with others. I use words and emotions to forge relationships, and am deeply concerned about others. Some would argue that I’m that way because I have a female brain and was raised in a society that expects females to be nurturers. That may be true. But the fact is that I have never felt limited or confined because of my gender. I’ve never felt pressure to behave in a certain way just so I can prove my claim on the title “woman.”
Boys (and men) don’t have the kind of freedom here in 21st century America. Here, we seem to have arrived at a national consensus that a woman can be or do anything — and still be a woman. A girl who wears pants will not be told derisively to “be a woman;” a boy who wears a skirt, or a shirt with glitter, might well face derision and taunts of “be a man.”
Perhaps it’s because we, as a society, are not quite sure what men’s and boys’ roles should be in our new, more equal society. We have been shifting, over the past 50 years, towards a more egalitarian society. Women have moved into the workforce and leadership positions; men have taken a more active role in raising children. But for some reason, and on some level, we’re not comfortable with men (and boys) moving out of the box of traditional masculinity. As boys and men increasingly take on and do things that were, in the past, only done by girls and women, there’s a backlash, a pressure of some sort, on boys and men to prove that they are indeed masculine enough.
This is the world our boys are living in. On the one hand, they are encouraged to become more rounded human beings, to fully participate in family life and to explore whatever hobbies and interests they desire. On the other hand, they are expected to prove their masculinity, according to some very strict, very outdated standards. No wonder our boys are confused!
My hope is that we someday get to the point where a boy’s masculinity is never in question, just as my femininity is not a question. My hope is that future generations of boys and men won’t spend nearly as much time pondering what it means to be a man, because they’ll be too busy simply being whoever they are.
7 Responses
I don’t think we ever were questioned about what it is to be a female because we acted as a female should. However, if you were to talk to tomboys and certain lesbians, I think they would have different insight on the question if what it means to be a woman.
If you asked our mother’s generation, they probably would have a different answer. My mom was told to leave work when she was four-months pregnant with my brother, and she was told it wasn’t ladylike to play touch football with the boys in high school.
And I distinctly remember being yelled at by a dad who was not at all happy that I was playing baseball (better than his son) after Title IX allowed girls on the teams.
Feminism changed what it meant to be a woman to allow a wider swath of options for us. But men? It’s still all about being tough and emotionally unavailable. Why do we do that to them?
I am glad to see the previous comments. While I agree with the idea that boys and men are subject to overt pressures to be a specific type of man, I disagree with the premise that the same is not true of girls and women.
A quick glance at any publication aimed at women will tell you what a “real” woman is and does and looks like. We are supposed to be:
slim
pretty
well dressed
sexy (but not slutty)
athletic (but not too athletic)
smart (but not too smart)
heterosexual
and yes, ideally, white and blonde even today.
I teach grades 7-12 and see the havoc wrought by the absurd contortions kids go through to meet the unrealistic, airbrushed versions of men and women they are force fed by the media every day. It’s hard to be a kid, and hard to be an adult – let’s not make it any harder.
I agree, Lisa: women (and girls) definitely face a lot of societal msgs about what a women “should” be. But has anyone else told you to “be a woman?” Or to “woman up?” Have you ever heard anyone say those things to a girl? I haven’t — yet I constantly hear other boys, coaches, adults (male and female) and teachers telling boys and men those things.
absolutely I have heard those comments- that I wasnt being “lady like” or feminine. As a child i was a “tom boy”- even that word is a word designed to equate outdoorsy, active pursuits with boys and not girls, and its not always used as a benevolent compliment when a girl is told she is a tomboy. When i cut my hair short as a teenager after Demi Moore in Ghost 🙂 I was told I must be a lesbian, when I went through a hairy leg phase as an early feiminsit i was derided by men (and the occasional woman) and told I must be a man hating lesbian feminist. The fact i was completely heterosexual was dismissed and is irrelevant anyway. We are not be told to woman up, because being female is not equated with strength in our popular press. But we are subtly and not so subtly told to be more of a woman if we display traditional “ball busting”, femi nazi, assertive tendencies more accepted in males at work. If we stray too much from what is accepted as feminine you better believe we cop flak because of it!
This is a valid point, and our boys and men do face a lot of pressure to stay within the bounds of what it means to be a man. Women are applauded for stepping outside their boundaries into traditionally male areas and interests, while men are pushed back into the box.
Underneath this, however, there is still the assumption that the feminine is less – that’s why it’s ok for women to ‘step up’ into masculinity, but not ok for men to lower themselves to the feminine.
Great insight, Tanya.