About a week and a half ago, I wrote this:
Are we, the adults, perhaps unintentionally contributing to school shootings by restricting all forms of physical fighting? Would letting kids solve problems physically, at times, keep things from simmering to the extent that they explode in a hail of bullets?
And then I came home to a message on my answering machine, informing me that one of my sons got into a fight at school.
Take Away #1: Writing about creating peace in schools is a lot easier than making it happen.
Take Away #2: Parenting boys is much harder than writing about parenting boys.
Take Away #3: Boys will fight, zero tolerance and anti-bullying policies be damned.
The more I think and learn about boys, the more I think that fighting — the physical resolution of differences, or the physical resolution of a debate over dominance — is ingrained and inherent. (Is it culturally ingrained, or biologically ingrained, or both? I don’t know, and I’ve decided it doesn’t really matter. Here in the trenches, the bigger question is, how am I going to manage this tendency?)
The big question is, Should we teach our boys to fight back? Or to walk away? (I wrote about that very topic for Parade.com. You can see the article here.)
Personally, I think there are times to fight back, and times to walk away. What do you think?
7 Responses
One thing I love about your work is that you acknowledge the complexity of people and situations. Any policy (like zero tolerance), answer or opinion that is 100% one way or the other is nearly always wrong (to say always would be hypocritical). For my part, I would say yes, boys should fight back, and fighting back can take many different forms. The art of fighting back requires us to decide what it means to win. For boys, this has a lot to do with maintaining self-respect, social respect, and friendships. Physically fighting may not always be the best way to “win” in this case. That said, every physical fight I was in as a boy ended with me getting knocked down and the other guy on top, but they also ended with us being better friends afterwards.
Josh
I totally agree with you! For boys fighting weather it’s verbally or physically is gona happen. Boys need to be thought and allowed to fight back both verbally and physically. Too many parents think a physical fight between 2 boys is not good at all. But truth is it is good. Just like you ever fight I was in as a boy we became better friends after the fight and usually were best of friends again a min after the fight!!
PS josh we should chat and trade stories of shoving matches and fights we were in as kids some time. Lol
Great insights, Joshua! I esp. loved this part: “The art of fighting back requires us to decide what it means to win.” We’d all do well to remember that, eh?
As a woman, I’m intrigued by this part: “every physical fight I was in as a boy ended with me getting knocked down and the other guy on top, but they also ended with us being better friends afterwards.” I get it, but I don’t. It doesn’t work that way with girls!
They should absolutely fight back boys and girls. It not only teaches them to protect themselves when someone is hurting them but it teaches them that it is ok to stand up for things you believe in even if others laugh or make fun of you. it teaches them that when someone says or does things to you that hurt it is ok to tell them to leave you alone, going to teachers is not helping. Fighting back does not always mean physically. If we do not teach our children to fight back or defend yourself than we are teaching them to stand there and get beat up mentally and/or physically. my son was pushed down on the play ground and jumped on top of for his lunch money. I was told by my sons teacher that it is not considered “bulling” unless it happens two or more times. So I told my son that is someone touches him like that he is to fight back as hard as he can to get away. He said we are not allowed to give “pay backs”. so what they are teaching at the school is that someone can hurt you as long as they only do it once and if you get up and “pay them back” (stand up for yourself) you will be in trouble. That is exactly what happened. my son got this boy off him and punched him in the stomach. MY SON got in trouble because he did “pay backs” lost his recess (he is 6yo in first grade)that is a huge deal for a 6yo. The other child had no consequences. He was made out to be the victim. We told our son we were proud of him for standing up for himself. We also told him that he should never be the first to hit someone but he should ALWAYS feel comfortable to protect himself. This not only holds true as children it helps as we become adults and enter the work force, helps with problem solving. The zero tolerance and turning a blind eye in not helping it is teaching that you keep your mouth shut and just take it until you cant take it any longer (hopefully by then it will all just go away)then you snap and these kids feel their only way out is the unthinkable.
Thanks for sharing your story, Stephanie. It’s such a complex area, isn’t it? I get that the school doesn’t want to encourage or condone retaliation — but I also get what you’re saying: punishing kids who fight back, esp. without punishing the ones who start it, essentially teaches kids that it’s OK to do something to someone, as long as you don’t get caught. And that’s a very troublesome lesson!
How about when the fight involves a boy and a girl?
My son recently got in an altercation with another boy in his class. He accidentally kicked the boy (Al) while playing ball on the field. When my son was at the drinking fountain Al got his retribution by surprise-kicking my son in the back. Then Al went to the teacher and complained about being kicked by my son. But that wasn’t enough. He then found his older sister (11 years old) who went up to my son with her friend. Both girls pushed my son and said ‘Don’t kick my little brother you hear me?”
When I heard this from my son after school I exclaimed “Why didn’t you push those girls back??!” (I don’t care if they are girls or boys!) to which he responded “because I was already in trouble with the playground teacher and I don’t want to lose playtime!!” So he ‘walked away’ from the situation and that is what he is taught to do over and over.
I get where its not considered ‘bullying’ until its done more than once or twice, but what makes me frustrated is that boys can learn how to manipulate this system by being the first to tell the teacher, or by getting bigger kids to do the fighting for them. In this case the big sister did the ‘fighting’ (read, ‘pushing’) on behalf of her brother but if my son had pushed her back in self-defense, you bet your life it wouldn’t have been the girl getting in trouble. I have yet to see a girl get in trouble for ‘fighting’ at his school, though boys are constantly missing breaks, etc for punishment for ‘fighting’.
My son is so freaked out about ‘getting in trouble’ by the teacher or principal that his natural inclination is now to back down first, whether or not he is the one who has instigated the problem. I want to teach him to stand up for himself but it seems impossible to do?!!
In a bigger picture, I wonder what this is doing globally and collectively to boys’ self-esteem, but even more so, what’s it doing to the ‘macho’ culture of naturally being a boy. Boys are energetic, physical animals who thrive on being physical but who are also capable of taking responsibility for their physicality. Traditionally it was the men who were the brave and courageous out on the battle field. I wonder if we still had hand-to-hand combat today, if boys could hack it anymore. Begs the question – are we turning boys into girls?
Thanks for sharing your story, D. This sentence really stood out to me: “My son is so freaked out about ‘getting in trouble’ by the teacher or principal that his natural inclination is now to back down first, whether or not he is the one who has instigated the problem.”
As I thought about that sentence, the part that bothers me the most is that this fear of external punishment — fear of getting in trouble — is interfering with kids’ ability to independently assess situations and make judgement calls. It’s getting between kids and their gut.