Did you see the study that examined boys’ and girls’ thoughts and opinions regarding problem sharing?
The first line of a related news article elicited a strong, “No duh!” response from me. Check it out:
“A new University of Missouri study finds that boys feel that discussing problems is a waste of time.”
As a mom of four boys, I can confirm for you with absolute certainty that the above statement is true. I’ll also safely hazard a guess and say that you’re most likely not exactly surprised by the study’s findings either.
But if you dig further into the study and associated news reports, you’ll find some nuggets of information that are useful for parenting boys.
For years, the study authors said, psychologists have advocated creating “safe spaces” for men and boys to talk about their problems — but the real problem may actually be that much of the male population sees no benefit in talking through problems.
So where does that leave us, as parents?
Well, I’ve learned that I need to erase the idea of talking as a panacea. Boys (and men) generally don’t find as much solace and support in verbally sharing their problems as girls (and women) do. On a day-to-day level, this means that the odds of one of my sons pouring out his heart to me because he felt slighted by a friend are minimal, at best. That doesn’t mean that my sons might not be hurt by their friends’ actions or inactions; it just means that my boys are more likely to express their distress in other ways.
It means that I need to let go of the rejected feeling I sometimes experience when my boys rebuff my attempts to discuss their problems.
It also means that I, a mother of future men, need to teach my sons the value of talking through problems. They may never consider sharing their problems verbally to be emotionally therapeutic, but at the very least, I want my sons to learn that talking can be a good way to identify the root causes of problems, to brainstorm possible solutions and to problem solve.
I also want my sons to know that there are times when verbally expressing feelings is preferable to physically expressing them. In other words, I want my sons to learn that saying, “I’m upset because Joe ignored me at lunch today,” is much more productive than stomping around the house or hitting their brothers.
It’s a tough row to hoe. Our society programs girls to accept emotions and to talk through problems; it expects our sons to be strong and stoic. I’m working against cultural conditioning, and years of male indoctrination.
But I want to teach my sons that there are other ways of being male. I want them to know that being male doesn’t have to equal denying your emotions and suppressing your inner thoughts. I want boys who feel safe being boys, but who are also unafraid to act against male stereotypes.
How about you? Will you join me?
3 Responses
awesome article and I agree with you! I posted your article with link to your blog in my big boys meetup group! http://www.meetup.com/Big-Boys-from-Spring-and-The-Woodlands-Area/
Thank you!
Thanks, Bonnie! What a great idea — a playgroup for 7-12 yr. old boys!
Being able to communicate/share is one thing. Having confidence that the adult recipient will handle the message properly is another.
I grew up in a home where communications were never a millimeter deeper than pure surface, transactional messaging. Even “What would you like for dinner” were words never spoken.
“I love you;” “How are you feeling;” “You look sad today, what’s up;” were to never shatter the formality of “a good home.” So openning-up about a problem….mmmm….not gonna happen.
Once, when I was 11-yo and mugged for my money by some very tough ocean-front boys, I HAD to tell my father what happened as I needed to account for the vanished cash. Hearing “you let them do what?” was about what I expected. So telling my parents about sexual abuse at the hands of older boys was definitely never going to happen. I hope you chew on this dynamic for a moment, because its a very real thing!
Prove to your children that you can and will react properly to whatever they bring to you. This “proof” is not something that you can hang out there with just words. This is a close cousin to “trust.” Thus, it must be earned and proven with tangible case-by-case evidence. “My door is always open,” or “you can tell me anything,” are empty words to most boys who see ample evidence surrounding them every day that verbal disclosure of any negative is not what you want to do.
Boys tend to be control freaks. Bringing a problem to words – to you, is contrary to this most basic survival trait we males learn from birth. More control is better…less control is bad. Telling you about Billy Bully and the missing lunch money just might end up with you seizing control over the situation in a less-than-effective mode will remain a barrier unless you have a track-record of dealing with things your son’s preferred ways and with good outcomes.
Gaining this confidence and trust starts from day-one, but I suspect it can be learned later-on as well.
Though I’ve built those communications pathways with my kids, my son has gone on to do as nature demands, and retain more and more problems and news to himself, in attempt to prove his ability to “fix it.” I like that!
I have told both of my kids that even nuclear-bomb-scale events and problems will be addressed with positive outcomes as the primary goal, not discipline. Discipline comes after the child trusts me to help, and it is never a surprise.
I have proven it with my (now 16-yo) son numerous times, as he now has a driver’s license and a car that he built from the ashes of Detroit. So now that he’s getting into the world more, we have “issues and events” that result in this control freak calling me from the cellphone “just to let me know” that such and such happened with Timmy Turner and his attempt to ride the Snow Machine across the surface of the unfrozen lake. How I handle the stupid things that brain-damaged boys think-up is a discussion for another time.
But a boy who cannot rally support according to everyone’s needs is on his own. You may think he’ll “tell you anything” that is wrong, but in reality, you need to have proven it to be true. His very life may depend on it.